Am I getting better?

It's very hard to learn a new language after the age of 25. When you do, your thick accent serves as a perpetual reminder of your natural language. Am I still learning how to craft these words, or just hovering around an insurmountable plateau, picking up a few new words here and there, while others fall into disuse. Was that last sentence a question? Or do I still have the problem of writing what I think are semi-poignant questions? One after another? That very same problem I thought I solved by chopping my sentences short, (sometimes neglecting the subject, prepositions, such as "and" within a list) interrupting my prose. Doing things like this.

After the initial learning period, it seems impossible to truly improve at any activity. If you haven't figured it out in say, a year, you'll never figure it out. Best to continually switch activities until you find one where you excel. Then kill anyone better than you.

Corners define her room. A right angle rest beside her bed. On the other side another, smaller corner of a wall. A small hallway feeds into her enclosure. The Nursing Home itself is three L shaped structures attached and named Meadowood, Englebright and other conjunctures.

She fights. To breathe, to live another day. A wounded rat will fight if cornered. A dying human will fight ceaselessly when cornered. Her capacity, this Eve that she has become, for suffering is endless. Her spirit can withstand infinite suffering, her body can take very little more.


On a personal note:

I can barely stand to watch her suffer/live. For several minutes I watch her struggling to breathe unmoved, then it hits me like a ton of bricks what I am actually seeing. Then it fades as instantly as it came. This is denial at work. It protects me from fully realizing her situation.

At other times I feel as though I am not even there. That I am watching some terribly realistic T.V. show.

How can you tell what's a dream and what's real when you can't even tell when you're awake and when you're asleep.


I'm too crazy for cell phones.

distressed at the current situation to be asked to leave in the middle of the winter.

current student housing market does not leave many options. Too late in the year to live where I want with people I choose.

Been out of work due to injury. This has made me further unprepared at this time.

I thought I had at least the security of a lease until february

With my mother's current illness and my father's living situation in his 2 bedroom condo, I have nowhere to go on such short notice.

We're not strangers, I feel I deserved better than to be asked to leave just before the holidays.

Now unless I can come up with first, last and security on a new apartment, which runs about $2000, I have no choice but to stay until the end of the lease.

ADHD hyperfocus: characterized by intense, often unwarranted focus on one task, area, project or undertaking. This focus can be a brand new endeavor or a favorite project-type such as the habitual plaintiff who can't seem to cease taking people to court.
We'll call the former (the new endeavor type) a dillettante, and the latter the plaintiff.

Both types of ADHD hyperfocus share certain qualities. Neither are particularly good at focusing on the uninteresting for very long. Their ability to focus on the uninteresting is shorter than the average person. For this reason they can appear aloof, spacey, or even to take nothing seriously. Neurotic and hypertalkative is also common, especially if they have a hair-trigger hyperfocus.

The dillettante switches from hyperfocused endeavor to hyperfocused endeavor throughout their life. For example, the contractor who takes on jobs, tries to do too much, which turns them into two-month undertakings and ends up losing money. Each hyperfocused endeavor is a crisis and a reason-to-live wrapped in one.

The plaintiff is best characterized by their hair-trigger hyperfocus. They can be set off by certain hot topics. Everything else that isn't a hot topic is either analyzed in relation to a hot topic or breezed through with little focus exerted. For this reason they can appear neurotic and obsessive. Everything from street signs, other people's mannerisms or their own mental fidgeting can trigger outpourings of hyper focused thought.