12.13.2002

come unto me quietly
quickly yet silent as the sound of fear
feign regret sorrow
serendipitous convention where everything goes wrong

Trudging along maintaining high spirits
artificial heart beats rough
thumping my chest until I'm knocked out

solitary confinement fulfills itself
begets pithful solitude
until all that remains is a corpse.


12.10.2002

free writing exercise:

blah blah blah blah

Guan Yu's role in RTK was as the lietenant to Liu Pei. He was one of the three brothers who swore to die together at the "peach tree" oath. Of the three he was the most talented. FUCK. Zhang Fei was impetuous and had a penchant for drink. He was talented however. This was not a group of miscreants. Liu Pei was the natural leader through birthright. But he was not the warrior or the tactician that Guan Yu was. But he was a loved leader whose people, 10,000 strong, followed him across the country to set up shop in Liu Zhang's deposed kingdom. That this could never have happened is beside the point I'm trying to make--we must be diligent in seperating myth from reality, as the lines can be unclear. Liu Pei did exist. He did have a palpable (if obscure) claim to the throne. Zhang Fei and Guan Yu also existed and fought side by side with Liu Pei. Guan Yu died first, then Zhang Fei died avenging his death. This much is known. Zhuge Liang, Liu Pei's brilliant advisor, obtained Sun Tzu's war manual and added his own notes to the original manuscript. All these characters are represented pretty much accurately in RTK. Liang uses brilliant strategy to confound his opponents. Zhang Fei and Guan Yu were brave. Little else is known. Precious little is known of Guan Yu. Perhaps this is why Luo Guanzhong was able to take such liberties with this character. Perhaps this is why he became a godlike figure in Chinese culture.

Donald Duk's father dress as Guan Yu for a ceremony. Donald has dreams of a turn-of-the-century railroad worker scenario where Guan Yu leads his workers fearlessly to success. Donald's dream turns out to be real because of the myth of Guan Yu. The chinee created this myth because Guan Yus were evident throughout their culture. They deified a certain masculine leader, one who doesn't talk too much, is demanding, and gets superior results. The Chinese invented this myth to describe the leaders in their everyday life. A large group of Chinese speaking railroad workers who could break records, despite language barriers, resistence and racial discord must have had a cogent leader. And that leader, who came from a culture that deified Guan Yu, would have to be like Guan Yu for him to be effective. Americans love cowboys. George Bush talks like a cowboy, "Osama Bin Laden: Dead or Alive", it should surprise no one that this was effective (this is not to say that Bush is generally effective. Just that that phrase was effectual. But it was also laffable and hokie. Just the fact or idea that Bin Laden was wanted would have sufficed to carry the cowboy imagery into the minds of Americans. The latter half of that phrase proved excessive.) Blah blah balhaaha ahalkhkjsdsd


Blood sugar approaching dangerous levels. Now I really can't decide what I want to eat.

I've concluded that being shy is asinine.
One pleasureable activity with minimal cost is human interaction.
Why sacrifice in order to save face?
Soon we will all die.
Saving face is overrated anyhow.

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It's getting harder and harder to explain away my failures and save face. Why are you driving that piece of shit? Why haven't you graduated? Where do you work?

I know how to solve these problems, yet am immobile.
Depression betrays reason.
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12.08.2002

Every day since the 4th, I have tried to duplicate that particular feeling of dreadful gloom. With varying success. The wall preventing that emotion from coming on full force is difficult to penetrate. I think of existence, my existence, my consciousness, my body my life. Then I imagine the unimaginable. Existence lacking. Most of the time it takes several minutes for the idea to even phase me. Even then, it's not as strong as I intend it to be.

I do this as a mental exercise in the hopes that it will cause me to live every day as if it were my last. I know this is unfeasible, and I've dreamt of philosophical arguments with anonymous personages discussing this exact point. Without some sort of long term expectation of existing, humans would be no different than lower animals. Only thinking of the next meal. This is not to say all animals. I believe that chimpanzees are basically humans who don't speak naturally. I wonder if they share our fear of death?