Every day since the 4th, I have tried to duplicate that particular feeling of dreadful gloom. With varying success. The wall preventing that emotion from coming on full force is difficult to penetrate. I think of existence, my existence, my consciousness, my body my life. Then I imagine the unimaginable. Existence lacking. Most of the time it takes several minutes for the idea to even phase me. Even then, it's not as strong as I intend it to be.

I do this as a mental exercise in the hopes that it will cause me to live every day as if it were my last. I know this is unfeasible, and I've dreamt of philosophical arguments with anonymous personages discussing this exact point. Without some sort of long term expectation of existing, humans would be no different than lower animals. Only thinking of the next meal. This is not to say all animals. I believe that chimpanzees are basically humans who don't speak naturally. I wonder if they share our fear of death?