I must write this down quickly before the inspiration fades. Nor will I do any editing later. Then I will remove the incendiary remarks which are the essence of my emotion.

I must stop seeing her.
She has destroyed the character I built when I left her.
I told everyone and myself that it was her sickness and imminent death that caused my depression. I know this was a lie. It was merely her influence. Perhaps increased, or exacerbated, by her sickness. Or by my own weakness, which no doubt was caused by a less drastic influence upon me.

The unmitigated decay began when I started going to her house almost daily for free food. I used to have routines. Discipline. I would never stray. Excellent attendance. Clocklike regularity.
Why did I try to convince myself that I was cheap. Knowing I wasn't. Just poor. Maybe I was sick of working so much, or sick of cooking. Or just tired from the daily cigarettes, coffee and ritalin. But I let her into my routine. I now see why her life has been such a horrible waste of a powerful intellect. She hates everything. Everyone. There are people she truly believes are entirely composed of evil.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Sometimes I wish she were dead. Not because I want to see her suffering end. She has suffered her entire life. Essentially, her capacity for suffering is either nil, so that everything is considered suffering, or infinite, such that she can suffer indefinately. She wants pity. At every avenue, she is asking for your sympathy. I'd like to think I have none, but I do. Seeing her brings me to her level. She destroys hope. She will never change. I have never really known her to have a job. She is too crazy to work. Yet more intelligent and observant that just about anyone. But too crazy and resentful to even leave the house.

This means nothing.

Fact: I cannot have her in my life anymore. She is a negative influence.