I have been wearing duct tape the last four days to see if, in addition to removing warts, it also removes negative thoughts.

Lots of people look funny.

I have never been complimented on my ears. In fact, I have not received a compliment in over four years.

One benefit to come from all these sniper shootings: They are canceling Halloween this year.

I hope I don't contract cancer of the adams apple.

Smile=beauty.

I have movie star good looks. Like Danny Devito.

Behold eyes to be beauty.

Dangling Modifiers:

I told you to speak in a patronizing manner.

Seated across from me, I view an attractive woman with a scowl.

I took a backpack on the plane stuffed with my favorite books.

Paco saw Luis driving his Chevy.

Lt. Comish battles with his men.

She only likes me.

She likes only me.

A kilo of salt only weighs 2.2 pounds.

Present participle: running water.

Past participle: polluted water.

Hopefully, Umass will change its signs.

I asked him not to stand steadfastly.



I hate when people wear too much cologne. They smell like frosted flakes.

Freckles are skin-cells that are depressed.

Excuse me ma'am, you spilled bleach on your pants. You look careless and like crap and this is positively inadmissable. Would I spill paint thinner on my pants, and then wear them to school?

You have ink on your skin Sir. It seems as though someone has spilled it on your arm. Do you need to go to the bathroom to wash that off? I paint too, but I usually clean it all off before I finish work.

Pardon me, but I believe the cologne you're wearing makes you a fire hazard. Do you mind?

Someone seems to have put stilts underneath the soles of your shoes. What will happen when that guy spontaneously combusts and we all have to run for our lives. I'll certainly make it up the stairs and to safety before you do.

I seem to have misplaced my chin.

We should set traps about the city--the kind that looks like crocodile jaws, and snaps when stepped in. We could hide them in corners, outside of doors, under desks and around bends. Just to keep people awake and on their toes. Trap doors would be cool too.

Some hair care products should contain glue. One out of every hundred or so. That way vanity will have a price. People will be much more cautious and appreciative of different styles. I believe sales will also increase--most people will buy two, in case the first happens to have glue.

Like an eyebrow, it's starting to come together.

Culture is the conflation of all things human.